Early in 2003 I received a startling phone call from the other side of the world, MY sister had just died, she had shot herself. The news of what had happened was shocking and the outcome was non negotiable and final. There was no  opportunity to talk to her now, no opportunity to see her or hug her or laugh together, no opportunity to say goodbye and no opportunity to ask why.

I was immediately launched into a depth and mix of emotions I had never felt before and in the time that followed I experienced, at large: shock, depression, uncontrollable heart palpitations along with total physical exhaustion and incredible disbelief.

My sister was young, she was only 38 when she died and she and I were very, very, close even though we lived miles apart. She was a vibrant, mischievous, funny, deep, grounded, responsible, intelligent, warm and giving friend to many people who still struggle deeply with her absence today. She was also a very patient, giving and loving mother of her daughter, 10 years old and her son, 12 years old, who are both warm and special people just like their mum too.

I began to discover what it was like living with depression and a physical side of grief that I didn’t seem to understand or be able to control; I felt like a totally different person, I had become a stranger to myself in a way.  The pain I felt was extreme, but the empathy for her situation and the pain I still feel for her personally remains today to be the most constantly difficult of all to manage and overcome.

My sister had suffered from depression for quite some time, but she seemed happy when we were actually together on holidays, or talking on the phone. For years what I had seen with my own eyes, had made it so hard to reconcile this person who I knew so well with her actions. This was an outcome never imagined.

In an effort to try and find some kind of much needed inner peace and calm amidst all this turmoil and gain some kind of grip, I began Raja Meditation Yoga some four months later.

Immediately, I noticed subtle changes both in my dealing with the unique grief that comes with loosing someone to suicide and also in my life in general.  Firstly, physically I was soon able to reduce my heart palpitations through meditation alone, this immediately made me feel more comfortable and at ease.

Then, at times when I felt utterly helpless and unable to do anything to better this distressing situation and especially when I felt pulled by my sister, I would meditate calmly and sincerely wishing her warmth, unconditional love and peace for her soul. This is a powerful, wonderful and cathartic experience, to be able to frequently expresses and send her my love and warmest wishes. It is also empowering to think that I could be helping her soul and do something for her after she left in such a traumatic way.

Incredibly in this difficult and still early experience in my life meditation has actually enabled me to physically relax, gain clarity of thought, see the bigger picture and feel more peaceful in the eye of a storm. Mentally step-by-step, I have been able to centre and ground myself more emotionally in times of turmoil and conflict enabling me to manage my grief and life in general now with more peace, tranquillity and harmony.

Kim Rintel

Dedicated in loving memory of Dianne, from her sister Kim who loved her a lifetime. Warmest wishes also, to all the souls, families and friends sadly touched by the hand of suicide.

Filed under: Personal Stories

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